Hello My Old Heart
by The Knife In Your Side
Summary: He smiled warily, and stared at the women before him. They'd lost contact during the years and seeing her now, bottle of red wine in one hand wearing boxers with little rainbows on them and a mismatched tank top and the ever-present scar he himself had given her all those years ago cut down her face, was almost like a stab to the gut. Metamorphmagus or not, she had changed, aged.


***WARNING: THIS STORY FEATURES MY OC RILEY O'CONNER FROM MY STORY '**_**EXCEPTIONALLY ORDINARY'**_**BUT****NO SIGNIFICANT SPOILER**_**S**_*****

**So a quick update: I've scrapped my idea of writing a story about Remus and Tonks after EO because I just really lost interest in the idea, so apologies if anybody was hoping for it.**

**So this is my pathetic attempt at telling you that I haven't as of yet given up on the story.**

**THIS IS FOR EMILY BECAUSE I'M A BAD NON-UPDATING WRITER**

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><p>"<em>Hello my old heart<em>

_How have you been?_

_Are you still there inside my chest?_

_I've been so worried, you've been so still_

_Barely beating at all_

_Oh, don't leave me here alone_

_Don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while_

_Oh, I don't wanna be alone_

_I wanna find a home and I wanna share it with you."_

–'_Hello My Old Heart' by The Oh Hello's_

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><p>The rain hit down heavy as a thin, scruffy man made his way briskly through the streets of outer London. It was unusually dark having only been briefly past the time of dusk but despite the dreary cloud cover, he knew the moon to be waxing in the sky, hidden almost shamefully from his sight.<p>

It was well past the time where any ordinary person would feel safe wandering, but this man had never lived an ordinary moment in his life. The scars that criss-crossed his visible face and hands were a deterrent enough, not to mention the wand secretly tucked inside his sleeve – so long as no attacker looked him in the eye, for there they would see plainly the kindness the amber pools revealed.

When he reached the old apartment building, he spared no time with the broken elevator and raced straight for the stairs, with every step gaining recklessness and anxiety.

Finding the door he remembered only briefly for a time that was far too long ago, he knocked three times and fast.

"Fuck off, Luka. I told you I'm not letting you drag me to the gay bar again. I don't care if you need a translator – play the dark and mysterious card or some shit. Just leave me be."

The voice from the other side snapped harshly, and on any other day the man would've smiled, but instead he spoke evenly, "I'm not really sure who this Luka is, Riley, but I'm rather cold and wet,"

He heard the sounds of more locks than one would usually deem necessary sliding before the door flew inwards and the women sighed, "Remus… it's been too long…"

He smiled warily, and stared at the women before him. They'd lost contact during the years and seeing her now, bottle of red wine in one hand wearing boxers with rainbows on them and a mismatched tank top and the ever-present scar he himself had given her all those years ago cut down her face, was almost like a stab to the gut. Metamorphmagus or not, she had aged. There were grey streaks in her obscenely curly hair and light wrinkles in the corners of her eyes when she smiled, pulling her old friend into a tight hug.

Leading him inside, he chuckled to himself at how his friend never seemed to change. It was no different to her old dorm, things strewn all over the place – paints and canvases leaning against the walls, a large tarp in the centre with various furniture pushed to the side, an analogue TV reporting Muggle news on a low volume and her old record player singing out The Beatles. The smell of aerosol and acrylic paint over powered the werewolf's sharp senses.

She walked, somewhat shakily to the kitchen bench and spoke bitterly, "Bloody fuckin' Mad-Eye told me a few days ago that I had a week off, no reason at all. I protested a'course, since I'm in the middle of a case with Kingsley, but oh Remus… Remus I know… I know now… he's all over the telly… I-I can't…" she choked a sob and he stared at her, pangs of pain in his heart, "His face is plastered all over Diagon Alley, that _MOTHER FUCKING PHOTO_!"

There was a crash as she kicked a box out of her way, the expression on her face was shattering; raw and confused, like an old scar had ripped itself open once again.

Lupin saw the scrunched up WANTED posters strewn around her kitchen bench and he pressed his eyes shut for a moment.

"I know, Riley, I know…" Remus rubbed his friends back and slipped the bottle from her fingers.

"_Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban_," the witch laughed humourlessly with tears in her eyes, "If anybody could pull it off it'd be _him_, wouldn't it? Had to be him… he was always thought he was so clever, _so fucking clever_. Clever enough to… to…" Riley couldn't finish the sentence, years spent pushing away the memories of Peter and James and Lily and all the people she loved and lost. Lost the will and right to speak their names. Lost the carefree nature of her heart, and then somewhere in the haze she lost Remus too.

But he was here now, because he knew it was too dangerous for either to be alone.

"I should'a picked you, I could'a grown to love you…" she whispered, cruelly without intent.

He didn't say anything; there was no reasonable reply to that. He knew she never could love him, not in the way she loved Sirius – not in the way that _despite everything_ she still did.

So instead he smiled with the saddest eyes a man could bare and spoke softly, "I've been hired by Dumbledore to teach Defence Against The Dark Arts at Hogwarts… you should visit. I don't like the thought of you here all alone all the time… especially being off work."

"I'm not all alone, I have Luka and Indiana…" she moved around the bench, putting the kettle on, "Tea?"

He nodded, "They drag you out to gay bars and who knows where," he chuckled lightly.

She snorted, "Oh come now Remus, you knew me fifth year – I'm fly with anybody for a shag. And don't act as if just because I'm in law enforcement I'm a saint – you spent most of your younger years keeping me, James and… and the others out of trouble,"

"I was hardly any good at it,"

"_Obviously_ not, but you get points for trying," she paused, "and I will visit, it's just difficult… when I see you, I see them and I feel so broken because we're all broken… because they're not here and no matter how many years pass, it still catches me sometimes."

He nodded solemnly, "I understand."

"You've always been too kind, Remus… it surprises me you haven't found yourself a girl, with that handsome face," Riley handed a mug of tea to Remus, settling on a glass of water for herself.

"Now I _know_ you're drunk," he laughed, somehow lighter than before.

"I mean it, chicks dig scars – I have learnt experience," she gestured casually to her face.

He shook his head dismissively, "Ah but 'chicks' don't really dig werewolves,"

"Only the ones who aren't worth your time – oh come on, you're one of the most irritatingly civilized people I've ever met! You go to _poetry readings_ and drink green tea while reading Austen novels, once a month off the rails ain't so bad when you have that sexy librarian thing going on," the vixen wiggled her eyebrows at her friend.

Now his face had reddened almost entirely, "Yep, too much wine. Despite all your years of on-off alcoholism, you're still a lightweight."

"Just because you can drink all us _mere mortals_ under the table doesn't mean I'm a light weight. I'm barely drunk – two glasses of wine and a couple swigs from the bottle on the couch,"

He cocked an eyebrow, "Being middle-aged and single really takes its toll,"

"Quite. You know you could at least _try_ to find a lady, stop condemning yourself to live alone," she mustered.

"That's a bit hypocritical," he spoke and immediately regretted it.

Her eyes darkened and Riley O'Conner looked down to her clasped hands, "I've tried, Remus, don't you think I've _tried_? But there will always be a part of me that loves the Sirius Black I knew, and I will die with that guilt in my heart over it…"she paused briefly, "but you haven't even tried, you think that because of your condition nobody can love you – but I love you, and James loves you, and so does Peter… no matter how far away we are…"

"And Sirius?"

"And Sirius nothing."

The cold tone of her voice was shattering and for the first time in years Remus allowed himself to ache for his lost friend, he felt the ache that the two buried away because they will _never _know if Sirius loved them, if he ever even cared – and they didn't want to know, because they could never bare to hear the words.

Silence was better.

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><p><strong>I just ripped my own heart out.<strong>

**Fuck.**

**(If enough people want it I might write a Riley/Sirius reunion...)**


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